Baby steps to swinging
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If you’ve pictured your girlfriend’s gal-pals naked or if you’ve had lustful thoughts about your husband’s best buds, then you might be on the path to swinging. Many people have had a moment where they considered getting it on with someone other than their significant other. If you’ve got questions about expanding your bedroom options, we’ve got answers. Dallas-based relationship experts Dan Baritchi, 31, and Jennifer Hunt, 41, said swinging is one of the hottest topics on their advice Web site, www.askdanandjennifer.com. The two have been in a relationship for about seven years and plead the Fifth on whether they’ve tried swinging. But in Dan’s experience, people often begin swinging after toying with the idea of threesomes.
“Oftentimes, it begins with a threesome fantasy but that doesn’t always work out for various logistical reasons. And it ends up being two couples that swap,” Dan said. “It’s hard to get very accurate numbers, but when you look at some of the online dating sites specifically for this purpose, you’re looking at tens of millions of people that try this stuff. But it’s so underground that you can’t really get accurate numbers.”
During a chat with 210SA, Dan and Jennifer broke down the terminology, explained how to handle jealousy concerns and shared the best ways to stay safe while swapping.
There are two terms that seem to get tossed out a lot: swinging and “the lifestyle.” What’s the difference?
Dan: Swinging and “the lifestyle,” it depends on who you ask. Back in the day, about 30 years ago, people talked about wife-swapping; ’course, that sounds like horse-trading or people trading baseball cards. ... What’s in a name?
Jennifer: There are also people who make a lifestyle out of it, and for some people, it’s just something they do occasionally, and that’s a big difference, too.
We’ve heard the terms “hard swap” versus “soft swap.” What are some different ways to go about swinging?
Jennifer: Generally speaking, a soft swap is when couples get together, and it’s more like teasing and fondling type of stuff, as opposed to a hard swap where, you know, one person’s partner will have sex with the other person’s partner.
Dan: The ultimate guy’s fantasy, probably the most popular fantasy out there, is seeing two girls together. Oftentimes, couples will get together and, usually for the guys’ enjoyment, the girls will play together or whatever. For some people, that’s all they do. I wish people didn’t get into this hard swap/soft swap thing because every situation is different, and you really box yourself in.
Are there baby steps people should take when they’re first starting down the path toward swinging?
Jennifer: Definitely. I think that’s where people make their biggest mistakes is when they dive into the deep end before they learn how to swim. ... The first thing to do is to talk to your partner because both people have to be interested in even trying something like that. After that, just stick to baby steps: meet some people, talk to people that do that kind of stuff. It’s not like you just have to jump in and start having sex with everything that moves.
Dan: Some people do just jump in, meet someone and go have sex with them, and usually they regret it. ... It’s more complex, but it’s no different, really, than singles. If you’re a single guy or girl, you don’t really want to have sex with everyone you meet. You want to get to know people. Date them. Figure out if you actually like them. ... It’s just more complex when you have three or four people involved, but the same general rules apply as far as safe sex, safety, common sense.
What are your recommendations on staying safe while enjoying these experiences?
Dan: Protection, always. When you have sex with someone and you don’t know where they’ve been ... use a condom. You don’t want anyone having babies or getting STDs. You should use a condom. And some people say, “Yeah, but we know these people really well.” I don’t care. You don’t know where they’ve been no matter how well you know them.
Jennifer: And basic physical safety, right? Don’t go off with someone you don’t know. I’ve heard a lot of stories of people really getting themselves into trouble, especially women, going out of the room (with someone other than their partner). That’s really not safe, especially if you don’t know these people. It’s the same common sense you would use as a single woman if you’re dating.
Do you have tips on handling how the decision to swing impacts a marriage or relationship?
Dan: The trick is to deal with it before and during because afterward, it’s going to be not so nice.
Jennifer: You have to have a really good relationship with your partner. You have to be able to communicate on the spot if something bothers you or how you’re feeling because if you wait, that’s when the jealousy starts to creep in.
Dan: If you’re a guy that gets in trouble if your wife or girlfriend even thinks that you thought another girl was cute, then this is not for you. If you’re a girl that gets so jealous at the thought of her guy looking at another woman, this is not for you.
Jennifer Lloyd | 210SA
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