The other day, my neighbor was messing around in his backyard when he “accidentally” cut my cable line, leaving me without the fascinating world of high-stakes cable television for more than a day!
Wouldn’t you know it, I was right in the middle of a “Wipeout” marathon (if five episodes can be called a marathon) when he did his vile deed and violated my person, or rather my cable line. I could not let his aggression stand! So I fully resolved to pee on my Shamwow and go slap him around with it.

Yet after many heated words and the tossing of cat poop at each other over our backyard fence (like civilized gentlemen do in such domestic disputes), we decided the only way to determine who would pay for the cable repair would be a duel.

Pistols were mentioned, as were fully loaded Shamwows, yet cooler heads prevailed, and after a best-of-17 coin toss, I won the right to decide what form the duel would take.

Which leads me to “Wipeout” airing 7 p.m. Tuesdays on ABC. “Wipeout” is great fun and is one of those game shows where the possibility of physical pain is ever present. The contestants can and will get hurt, yet you might still laugh! It’s great. Contestants navigate a series of nearly impossible agility obstacles. The result is often a face plant into water.
 
If you catch an episode and like it, try watching its inspiration, “Most Extreme Elimination Challenge,” or “MXC,” on Spike TV. It is far superior to “Wipeout” in every single way. But that in no ways takes away from the fun you’ll have while watching “Wipeout.”

With “Wipeout” fresh on my brain, I chose an ancient art of Japanese water-obstacle course to settle the cable-line matter. So, we headed to SeaWorld. But after being tossed out and nearly arrested for trying to cross the dolphin pool by hopping from dolphin to dolphin, we began to lose hope of ever resolving it.

Which led us to Guadalupe State Park. Two hours later, we had constructed the most elaborate water-obstacle courses ever imagined, using eight inner tubes, a bucket seat from a 1970 Chevy Chevelle, some floaties and an old refrigerator. My neighbor would rue the day he decided to dig in his own backyard only to “accidentally” cut my cable line.

Now, I could thrill you with the details of our magnificent attempt to copy the insane hilarity of “Wipeout,” but I’m out of column space. Besides, if I did, I would be violating a court order.

Anyway, my neighbor’s now in traction, and I am awkwardly recovering from a near-fatal water enema.
It was days after the cable had been fixed that we realized there’s no charge for fixing the cable.

Plus, I think I left my Shamwow down at the river, damnit.