One man, a long snorkel and a horse with a desire not to drown: ladies and gentlemen, I say you, the 100-Meters Underwater Equestrian.

Like a familiar smell, the games of the Some Roman Numeral Olympiad begin this weekend, and NBC will be televising the revolution.

Starting with the opening ceremonies at 7 p.m. Friday, Aug. 8 and continuing for two weeks, every single event and sweaty moment will be aired for our viewing pleasure.

Athletes from more than 200 nations will compete in more than five sporting events for the honor and glory of their nation, and to a lesser degree, product endorsements.

(Which reminds me, today’s column is brought to you by, Bic Pens! It does the trick when you write with a Bic!) Note: Bic is in no way associated with this column.

I love me some Olympics. Because despite tense and emotional competition, the games relax me. I’ll sit for hours watching Tonga and Norway go at it in beach volleyball.

Could the games be better? Crud Yes! But I am resolved that no matter how many letters I send to the International Olympic Committee, none of my recommendations will ever be adopted.

Sadly, you, the viewer, will never see fascinating sports such as the 100 Meters Underwater Equestrian.

It works! Only two months ago we completed an entire race when one of the horses made it to the finish line. Well, he kind of floated across, but at least he finished!

Imagine, Soccer and Rhythmic Gymnastics. The two are practically the same thing anyway. Be honest, what are you thinking when you watch soccer? Correct, “all this thing is missing is some brightly colored ribbons!”

Diving and Archery. I’m not advocating divers shooting arrows on their way down. No, I say make those divers dodge some arrows on the way down.

Badminton and ..... wait a second. Badminton is an Olympic sport? Well, hell, this opens things right the heck up!

The Marathon and NASCAR. Tony Stewart would so win by putting some Kenyan into the wall.

Ping Pong and Sailing. You better make that ball fly, rummy, if you want it to reach the other boat.

The 200-Meters and Chess. We just have to perfect keeping the pieces from falling off the board.

Cycling and Freebasing. Get them ready for the next Tour de France.

The Javelin Catch, Canoe Field Hockey, Trampoline and Wrestling, Gymnastic Basketball, Synchronized Tennis, Judo and ..... Judo. It will be the most watched Olympic games in all history. And I helped.
 
Note: No horses were harmed in the writing of this column. Severely annoyed, yes, but not harmed.