I just saw some bondage dude and chick tie their hands behind their backs, put blindfolds on, stick apples in their mouths (wait, this is not going where you think) then begin to cut those apples in half with a hanging chainsaw.

Yup, they just inched up to each other like they were going to kiss but instead chainsawed their apples.

Remember a few weeks ago when I said “America’s Got Talent” was entertaining and similar to “The Gong Show”? Apparently, I lied, because airing Thursday nights on Comedy Central is “The Gong Show with Dave Attell,” and as far as entertaining, it makes “America’s Got Talent” seem like a cheap, sad, old bar hooker.

Maybe that should be the other way around? Regardless, it is funny, weird and in no way socially redeeming, but you will not be able to change the channel once you start watching.

There is nothing cute about this show, no contrived little music montages as they bring out their acts, just Dave wrangling the freak show. And what a humongous list of beautiful freaks the contestants are.

To come up with these characters you would’ve had to have rounded up all those morons who went to those old LaLaPalouzzallo festival thingies, jam them into a port-a-potty, add some food coloring and confetti, then shake the hell out of it, dump them into the Merv Griffin school of talent and ta da!

From the aforementioned apple-bondage gang and guys who kick themselves in the face to nude performance art and stuff I would not even know how to explain, it’s as if the universe ate some bad tacos, got indigestion and belched out these acts.

Yet what drives the show just as much as the acts, if not more, are the judges. Get a whiff of these personalities: Adam Carolla, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Brian Posehn, Ron White, Andy Dick and many others.

Just putting these judges in one room and turning on a camera would be enough to get me to watch. But add in all the strange lounge acts, Attell and a huge gong, and you’re looking at golden TV.
Heck, Dick alone is worth at least 10 minutes of quality TV. In the opener, he nearly bedded the entire act list. I thought for sure a live sex show was going to erupt when he got down on all fours and began to wrestle with the dwarf-wrestling act.

I’m not making this up, all they needed were some masks, KY and a few idiots thinking it was real, and we would’ve totally had WWSWF.

My only complaint is that so far, they have not used the damned gong nearly enough. Come on! Bang that sucker! Despite that, it is the best new show on Comedy Central since “Stella.”