LATE-BREAKING NEWS! This just in to our newsroom (brace yourselves): A car has hit a pole on the corner of Durango Street. Repeat! An automobile has hit a telephone pole on Durango near St. Mary’s Street. This is just, JUST, in to our newsroom.

Everybody stay calm. Do not panic! You might need to divert to South Presa. We will update you as details become available. But you can tell this is important by the tone of voice we are using and the little bar at the top of your screen saying “Late-Breaking.”

You have to love TV news. After the Perverts in the Park investigation, I stopped watching local TV news because I knew nothing the face-talkers could come up with would ever top hand jobs at Brackenridge. But a car hitting a pole drew me back in. Slow news day, huh, KSAT?

Anyway, on to more frivolous things. “Trading Spaces” is breaking late into my TV viewing schedule, or returning rather, because the pixie of the home renovating revolution is back. Paige Davis, thy person is great, and thy butt is — let’s just say it is right where it should be.

Until I began watching “Trading Spaces” on TLC back in aught-3, my idea of redecorating and do-it-yourself home décor was not spilling Dr Pepper on the carpet.

And my wife’s “honey-do” list consisted of: Don’t spend more than $50 on your hobbies; stop looking at her boobs; gas up the car; no, don’t put that in your mouth; don’t come home with a new TV or gaming system; stop looking at her butt; and dinner is ready when it is ready so stop grabbing my butt because it doesn’t make the meatloaf cook any faster.

I pretty much lived by that list until my better half made me sit one Saturday evening and watch “Trading Spaces” with her.

By 10 p.m. the next day, there were so many choppy holes in our walls, paint smudges on the carpet and crooked/falling blinds and curtains on our windows that it looked as if I’d contracted a bunch of drunken monkeys.

The good thing is she rarely forces me to watch her TV shows anymore. The bad thing is I got so hooked on “Trading Spaces” that when the idiots fired Paige, I went into forced seclusion. TLC was dead to me.

But from death comes life; Paige is back. And now that my family actually owns a home, “Trading Spaces” becomes more appreciated because now we can legally make decorating changes without pissed-off landlords threatening litigation because of missing walls.

Welcome back, Paige. Nice to see your butt is just as hot as it always was. Although, I am still not allowed to stare at it.