DC: There was good weather this past weekend, and you know what that means. Spring is almost upon us, and there are more house projects for us loyal husbands. So I decided to stain our back patio. I went to the store and bought a gallon of concrete stain and a pump sprayer. You know what I'm talking about.

CH: Oh, yes, I know what you're talking about.

DC: So I put the stain in, pumped it 20 times and accidentally pulled the hose off the pump sprayer. It completely sprayed the back and side of the house with concrete stain, but I thought, “No big deal. I'll wipe it off.” Uh-uh. I dropped a couple dozen F-bombs, so many that my wife had to apologize to the neighbors. So you know what I'm going to be doing this weekend.

CH: Staining your patio?

DC: Painting my entire house.

CH: The whole house?

DC: The whole house. We were talking about doing it anyway, and now that it's covered in stain, my wife has taken the initiative to kick me in the ass and say, “Let's repaint it.”

CH: How big is the stain spot?

DC: Pretty large, but we're doing the whole thing. The s**t I get myself into.

CH: My wife and I have an agreement, where she handles the inside of the house, and I handle the outside. A couple of weeks ago, I ventured out to the store and got mulch, plants, flowers, etc. I put the kid in the cart and surrounded him with this stuff. He looked like his own personal Jack Sparrow, sailing a ship or something. In the near future, my wife is going to repaint the bedroom. She didn't like the first color, so there's time and money wasted. My mother-in-law is coming in, and I was given the choice of helping paint or taking the boy out for the day. I'd take the boy out for three days straight to get out of painting.
 
DC: You mention your son, and mine comes home now and mentions his friends with their cool names.
. He has an array of friends, and he's been caught open-mouth kissing a couple of times. I'm thinking, this kid is cooler at 3 than I ever was. He has cool friends and a rotation of girlfriends. Life is good for him.

CH: As for my son, he comes home and says a different girl's name every day. He's either lying or he's not a one-woman man.

DC: Like his father.

CH: Not anymore. I turned in that card, my man card.