Valentine's Day, though widely regarded as a couple's day, doesn't necessarily have to be so. Audrey Valeriani, a Boston-based relationship coach whose latest book, “Boot Camp for the Broken-Hearted: How to Survive (and be Happy) in the Jungle of Love,” aims to help people improve their relationships and build their self-esteem, says Valentine's Day can be just as enjoyable for singles as those in relationships. Valeriani gave a few examples of those single-specific activities and delved into some other relationship-oriented topics in a conversation with 210SA.
 

What are some of the best activities for single people to enjoy on Valentine's Day?

The most important one, in my opinion, is to buy the book and start reading it on Valentine's Day night (laughs). ..... One suggestion is to throw a singles party. Invite a few single friends, men and women, and ask them to invite a single friend. Keep track of the male/female ratio, add some munchies and alcohol, and play some games. What happens is everyone makes fools of themselves and laughs, and things loosen up. There's less pressure, and you're more at ease to talk to each other. ..... One of my favorite things to do before I met my husband was to plan a comfy night — draw a bath, do a head-to-toe makeover, get your favorite food and a movie, maybe a glass of wine. I always felt comfortable with an evening like that. ..... A friend of mine also wanted to throw one of her (suggestions) in, and she liked the idea of throwing an adult sex-toy party. Talk about having some laughs.

What are some of the main points of contention between men and women?

When women e-mail me, they'll tell me about the rotten things that someone has done to them, and their last question is, “Do you think I should leave?” They know they should or want to, and they have all the reasons in the world to move on. A lot of the women's issues are mistreatment, and a lot of it is them trying to live up to be the perfect woman or do what he wants. With women, it boils down to an issue of self-esteem. ..... For men, most of their issues are doing what women want, but a lot of them have no clue. They find women complex, communication-wise, and they're very surprised when they talk to me about the difference in sex drives. A lot of men think women have the same sex drive, only they pick and choose when to have sex, like it's a choice to hold back or not be in the mood. Men take that rejection very seriously. ..... A woman's sex drive is not as visual as a man's. It's more about emotion and romance.

What are the main “dos” and “don'ts” of dating?

Women want to be pleasers, and they want to be the perfect woman. They tend to try and mold themselves into something a man wants, and that's a big mistake because it leaves no mystery uncovered. There's no challenge for a man. ..... Another don't is when someone has low self-esteem and wants to meet someone so badly, they tend to send out a desperate vibe that men can smell from 50 miles away. They can be really attractive, but there's something about them that's sending out a desperate, needy vibe.

What about when people talk too much about themselves?

A lot of misadvice people give to women is to tell them that men love to talk about themselves, so ask a lot of questions. Men say the same things to their friends. ..... Just do the basic, comfortable talking about where you came from, funny stories or what you do for a living. It has to unfold slowly. That's part of the dance. Dating is a dance. There are no rules and no playing games.

What is each gender's Achilles' heel in relationships?

With men, it's one of two things: speaking without realizing what's coming out of your mouth and not understanding how women think. ..... Men don't understand sometimes how women take things. The other thing is misunderstanding women's sex drives, but that's a big thing for women as well. They think it's all men are interested in.

Can having sex too early derail a relationship before it even gets going?

A lot of women go through a phase where they want to be a guy for a while, make (sex) mean nothing and go from guy to guy. But that's really not what they want. I think sometimes women may try that lifestyle when deep down, they want someone to settle down with. I always veto that, unless it's George Clooney or Bon Jovi, maybe Antonio Banderas. Those are the only three exceptions.

CLINT HALE | 210SA