Dating/sex/relationship coach Sandra Harmon has written a pair of best-selling self-help books, appeared as a relationship expert on a number of television shows and been featured in the pages of Cosmopolitan magazine. She has offered her services to a variety of clients, including some who rank among Hollywood's elite. Needless to say, when 210SA sought out perspective for its “single for the holidays” story, we sought out someone with Harmon's credentials. And in a recent chat with 210SA, Harmon provided her insight on topics such as the trendy nature of being single in the 21st century, the influence of popular culture on relationships and the key to a great sex life.
 

Are the holidays the toughest time to be single?

I think it's changing. Usually, women who want men are depressed over the holidays because they think they should have a guy on New Year's Eve or Valentine's Day. It's what's expected, but I think it's fun to be single. I don't think you need to have a partner in order to have a happy life.

It seems like being single is in these days. Would you agree?

It is because women don't need men for what they used to need them for. They don't put up with rotten guys who make money and support them. We're more evolved, and we do things on our own. We're earning a living, and we're able to socialize. If you want to have sex, you can have sex when you want it. Companionship is really important, but I don't know anymore if people want to stay married for their whole lives. It's a fast-moving world.

When did the idea of being single in your 20s and 30s become cool?

I have no idea, but it simply has evolved. That's just where life has taken us. Certainly, it (stems) from the women's liberation movement, the sexual revolution and the (birth control) pill. Those things started the trends, even though some people hated feminists and feminists hated macho men ..... Women became more able to stand on their own two feet and appreciate their masculine side, the part that goes out in the world and makes money. Men have explored their more sensitive parts. Twenty-five years ago, men were not styling their hair, having facelifts, going to beauty parlors for pedicures and caring for children. Those have become more acceptable as the years have gone on. At the same time, so has being single ..... But the trouble with being single is sometimes it's lonely. But sometimes, marriage is horrible, and people are sometimes so mean to each other and take each other for granted. Sometimes, loneliness may be better than where you get in a marriage and are not evolving.

Does casual, unattached sex suffice for a lot of single people?

It doesn't work for women. It works for men, because hormonally, men are not the same. Testosterone doesn't cause you to fall in love, but women are different. When they make love, they generally fall in love. If you fall in love with a monster, you're stuck with Frankenstein until you break it off. Even getting sexually attached, a woman wakes up and feels like she's in love ..... Guys zip up and go home. It's in the genes ..... A lot of young people put away those (emotional) feelings and engage in hookups and easy sex, but I think down deep, there's a guy and a girl there who feel the same way I'm saying. People do what is in fashion without understanding how they feel. Most people don't know what's inside. If everyone is going down on guys, you'll go down on a guy. If everyone has sex, you do it too. People at that age often go along with each other, whether it feels good or not.

What is the key to a great sex life?

Communication and talking ..... Doing the same thing you did to get that person (in the first place). Don't put each other down, and don't rush it. Engaging in the act, making sure (as a woman) you get your orgasm. A lot of women give up. They let the guy do it and get off, and they make the guy happy, but (the woman) is not even paying attention.

How much has popular culture changed our opinions on the single life?

Pop culture and the sexual revolution and all the other stuff, everything has influenced (our thoughts). Every single child wakes up and sees some version of Britney Spears. I was watching TV and saw these anorexic girls that wanted to be like Nicole Richie. That was all they wanted to be, even though she was saying, “Don't use me as a role model. I'm too thin.” It's a problem because they were dying to be Nicole Richie. That's how (pop culture) influences us. It influences everything.

CLINT HALE | 210SA