Something in here smells, and I am pretty sure it isn't me. I know this because I just had my first high colonic and then was forced by my pregnant wife to endure something called a pedicure, where strange women speaking a strange language did unspeakable things to my feet while laughing at me.

So yeah, I'm pretty sure my smell is right gentlemanly.

Then that putrid permeation of vaporous yuck must be coming from the Sci-Fi Channel's latest attempt at original programming.

The new “Flash Gordon” series airing Fridays at 8 p.m. on Sci-Fi is as bad as is gets when it comes to Shake n' Bake franchise remakes.

So those of us expecting another hit such as “Battlestar Galactica” can take a knife to those hopes.
I sat through the special 90-minute premiere. The whole hour and 30 minutes, and even when drool began to seep from my lower lip and my head started to slowly convulse with the pain of stupid, I continued watching.

I had to hold out for the hope of a glimmer, any sign, that the show would get better; no chance.
The forced humor and stale acting made me long for the “Lawrence Welk” show. The action sequences could give “Grey's Anatomy” a run for its money. The scenes on Mongo look like a bad combination of “The Matrix” and “Dune.” Not that those two movies needed to be combined to be bad.

Last and least are the special effects, which are evocative of what you would experience at better traveling carnivals traversing the state. I kept expecting a toothless, patchy-bearded face to reach out a grease- and nicotine-stained hand from the screen and demand a dollar.

If I sound a little harsh, that's because I let my expectations get the better of me. As soon as I heard about the new show, I immediately began drawing connections to the wonderful and cheesy “Flash Gordon” movie back in the '80s.

Now that thing was a masterpiece of camp. In many ways it was just as bad with its effects, acting, dialogue and action, but it was great when I was listening to John Denver. Or maybe it was Queen's soundtrack that made the flick stand out?

Because to this day, as I sit at work writing, I will stick on my headphones and listen to the music of the finale's battle sequence and feel all bad ass as I pound the keyboard.

And that's another thing: The music to the new series is awful. It's like being stuck inside Harold Faltermeyer's iPod.

About the only good thing I can say about this new “Flash Gordon” is that at least they did not turn Starbuck into a chick.