Whenever I run across a TV show that completely stuns me with beauty and majesty, I break out in nervous shakes and kidney stones.

So when I accidentally stumbled on the series debut of “Planet Earth” airing Sundays on the Discovery Channel, I thought ..... hmmm, polar bears? This will be intriguing. Little did I know.

The 11-part series is touted as the most eye-opening portrait and visual chronicle of the blue dot we live on.

Presented in HD, “Planet Earth” is stunning. There is no way to experience the visual beauty of nature and the Earth other than in HD. The picture is so sharp and crisp, it is like, well, getting up and going outside to look around. But where is the fun in that? So, like me, sit your butts on the couch and experience the beauty of nature.

And since there are no real actors in “Planet Earth,” the acting is brilliant. Plus, the plot and scripting rival that of any major motion picture.

Because I soon came to realize that what I was really watching was a series about how polar bears and other polar animals team up with global warming to cover the Earth in ice, because there are some theories that say global warming would cause an ice age. Like in the movie “The Day After Tomorrow.” I can't believe Roland Emmerich and Jon Peters have not already teamed up to make this concept a hit major motion picture.

Think about it. Something that warms the Earth dramatically = frozen planet. Now, if you can, think further: Frozen planet = happy polar bears and other happy polar animals; thus, global warming + polar bears * other polar animals = victory for global warming and the Ice Emperor.

These calculations were made at the speed of Rosie O'Donnell. Because what good is a public school education if I can't use it to cipher improbable outcomes using the properties of numbers? Not much.

Now, if the Earth were to be covered in ice, who would lose the most? EXACTLY! Elephants, lions and other nonpolar animals. So as the show shifted to Africa and the forming coalition that would race north to confront the polar bears, I started to get twitchy with excitement.

We were in for an all-out brawl. Nature going mano a mano with the fate of the Earth in the balance. Winner? The viewing audience.

Waiting for Episode Two that next Sunday nearly did me in. When it finally aired, the bubble burst. Where were the polar bears? Where was the climatic confrontation? Where was the moment the elephants, lions and other nonpolar animals met up with their leader — Al Gore — wearing eco-friendly recyclable battle armor with combat grip?

Turns out, “Planet Earth” is just another nature documentary. Perhaps the best one ever produced. But still, I was so looking forward to the sword fight between Gore and the hole in the ozone layer.