CHRIS QUINN: ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra' appears to strike out
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People often gripe about the '80s, giving that decade grief and whining on and on until the noise from their mouth begins to resemble that of the laugh track in the background of a Dane Cook special.
But consider these facts about why the 1980s ruled: 1) “Big Trouble in Little China,” 2) Cartoons. And when I say cartoons, I mean G.I. Joe.
“G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” was a crucial part of many a young boy's life. If you are in your 30s, male and not one of those anime goofs, then your life was shaped by whether or not you owned the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier.
Thanks to a symphonic dance of unparalleled commercialism and manipulative marketing, the toys and toons of the 1980s combined for lethal effectiveness. “I want” never seemed so possible.
And G.I. Joe was the king of it all.
A movie based on G.I. Joe hits theaters this weekend. “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra,” is an international steaming pile that abandoned the cheesy fun of what it is based on. Mindless explosions aside (which can be gooey fun), the makers of this movie seem to have abandoned the stuff that helped make the series so much fun.
Come on — Marlon Wayans? Come on! But despite butchered characters and nothing resembling the spirit of the old G.I. Joe franchise, they goofed up all the costumes. Cobra Commander does not even wear a hood. WTF, Stephen Sommers?! Sure, morons put nipples on Batman and lips on Optimus Prime, but Batman still had a cape, and Prime was still a robot!
Granted, I've not seen the G.I. Joe movie, but I also have not cut off my scrotum with pinking shears, and I'm not about to do that either. Sadly, it looks like Paramount and Sommers have done that to G.I. Joe.
In fact, the movie looks like a baked turd smothered in mayonnaise. Seriously, if you were a Joe fan from back in the day, why go see the new movie? Other than the names of characters, how is it G.I. Joe?
If you want fun G.I. Joe playtivities this weekend, go watch some of the original cartoons or dig out your old toys and hit the backyard. But stay away from the flick. It looks like a bunch of douches in black, leather, metal suits chasing other douches in black, leather, metal suits.
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