BALL AND CHAIN: Swinging lifestyle?
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Clint Hale and Dustin Coleman here for another swinging week of Ball & Chain.
DC: So Clint, this week's issue covers the swinging lifestyle in San Antonio at a couple of local establishments. I mean, I like sex and all. But to me, the swinging lifestyle reeks, both figuratively and literally. As a fellow married man, what are your thoughts?
CH: I equate it to an old favorite — the three-way. Great idea in theory, not so much in reality. I mean, do you really want some other dude rubbing up on the missus — or doing much worse — while you watch on like a Spurs fan at courtside? Not so much.
DC: Yeah, you know, I like sex just as much as the next guy. But maybe I don't know much about swinging, and maybe I am a little old-fashioned, but sex just isn't something you do with anyone who happens to walk by. Unless that person is Scarlett Johansson. Would you think differently if the two potential swinging partners for you and your wife were hot celebrities?
CH: Oh, yeah, then the rules change. In fact, I've been trying to talk my wife into that whole celebrity encounter hookup, by which you're allowed to do anything with that one magical celebrity who happens to show interest. My lucky lady would be Megan Fox. Hell, the wife can even have a crack at Patrick Dempsey for all I care.
DC: Patrick Dempsey? Doesn't she know he's a completely fake liar and thief? Remember he stole that girl's poem in “Can't Buy Me Love”?
CH: It's the hair man. She can't get enough. I'll put on my Dempsey wig and medical coat when we role-play, but that doesn't quite have the same effect. Doesn't help matters that my beeper keeps going off during lovemaking time.
DC: Unfortunately, I have more hair on my ass than I do on my head.
CH: Hell, adopt a Scottish accent, and you can be a homeless man's Sean Connery. Women seem to like him.
DC: Fucking A, Trebek.
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